Dear Adam,
Today is the first day that I will not have you to talk with. It's not like I can't reach you, this is thankfully not a permanent situation (I pray...). I did this. I chose to stop for now. I hurt too much. And your absence yesterday, I know, was on purpose. You had all day to travel with just you and your computer and phone. Even on your busiest of days, you have been in contact with me, so I know the lack of communication was purposeful. I had reached a point late the night before to where I just needed to leave. I had accidentally said something truthful and very intimate to you during our play and you deflected again. You didn't roll with it or embrace the desire I had for you, you started withdrawing and stepping back. I sensed it. I sensed your hesitation before I even confirmed it. Why oh, why could you not just roll with it and move on? Or dodge it and change the subject. You had to bring us both out of the fun and remind me of how much you don't actually want me. So I felt guilty and once again not desired.
I have allowed myself to love you. To desire you sexually, physically, and mentally/emotionally. I want to know you like I know my husband. I feel like I mostly do, but physical distance is a deterrent. I feel like we are connected and have been for a long time. We both feel we've been part of things in past lives or experiences or something. That can't be insignificant. So why not embrace my affection? Unless you truly don't want to. God I'm so stupid to think you might. How can you do everything we've done, and not feel something? How can you close off to my affection? I must be really repulsive. Closing off to my affection is the only gift I truly think I have. I have the ability to love. I don't look pretty, I am fat. I can't say I'm extremely skilled in anything. But damn it I can love. haha Whatever that is worth.
I do NOT and have not wanted to interfere with your love and fidelity to Star. I can tell how much you love each other and wow, the sex life only I can imagine. You have wonderful kids. Why would I want to hurt that? I don't. But I guess you feel that if you entertained the notion that I loved you and showed an inkling of acceptance, that you are turning your back on your family. I can understand that. I don't like it, but I understand. In the process though, I hurt. I allow myself to feel and then to be reminded how much you don't feel.
So I hurt and I long for you but I've walked away. You are/were my constant companion everyday for many many years. You know me I think, well. You know this is hard for me. Today is just day one and I'm filling my time by writing this. I can't imagine how silent and empty my days will be to come. Sure I can come back sooner than later, but what will that accomplish? I am trying to detach from you some so I won't hurt so much when you turn away again. Oh how I wish you'd fight for me. That you'd contact me and say come back, let's talk this through. That you'd somehow make me feel better and tell me you do love me on some level; that I'm not alone. You won't do that. I'm very certain you will probably read my message, feel a bit of guilt and sadness and then move on. You'll wait for me to come back after I've done my 'stepping away'. I wish you wouldn't wait. I wish you would contact me. I hope you can feel me and know how much I need you. I'm not so sure you can feel me though. Maybe that was just a fluke and nothing is getting past my head.
Please don't forget me Adam. Please still be able to play and talk like we used to when I come back. I hope that me stepping away does us good. Somehow.
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